It’s not exactly a secret that my past year or two have been a bit of a shocker, (publicly and personally) and I just really wanted to write a little about this, to thank a couple of people I guess, and to show that things aren’t always as bad as they seem.
Ignoring the personal stuff; (waaay too much ‘crazy’ to get into there, eeeessh.) Around the time I started Uni, (which for the most part, I’ll be honest; I enjoyed) things started getting kinda sucky, I started over-thinking things, I started disliking the course (wasted lessons, kinda crappy tutors, etc etc) It ended up being a waste of time, so much so, I let myself get behind, and they wanted me to re-do the first year. (But why would I want to restart something that wasn’t beneficial to me and made me unhappy?) so of course I tried to make the decision that made the most sense, and that was to quit. I’ll admit, I became a little bitter towards the whole place, and certain people there which I understand was kinda shitty on my part. Skipping over the details, I felt lost, I felt like a loser, I ignored my own friends, all sorts and I basically let my depression get way out of hand again, which of course, is never fun, and I’m having to deal with it again now. BUT. A couple of things REALLY helped me out back there, and they were;
1. CM Punk – I know this may sound stupid, but around the time everything went, without a better word, ‘dark’ I bought a DVD. That was a documentary-style film about one of my favourite wrestlers; (yes, I’m a twenty year-old man who still loves wrestling. Wanna fight about it? haha) it was called: ”CM Punk – Best in the World”, and really, I only bought it as a huge fan of his, and wanted to learn more about him, his career and his life, but I got a lot more than I bargained for. It made me feel more determined, happier, it started a fire inside of me, and it was simply because of his passion. ‘Phil Brooks’ (Aka CM Punk) was/is tough, and I don’t just mean physically, obviously, I mean in general, most of his personal/professional life, he had so many obstacles (be it not really having a ‘normal’ family life, people not believing in him, pushing through how people treated/thought of him etc) Yet, he found his passion, and that was it, he hung on to it, he never gave up. Yes, I could go into greater detail, and I could completely fan-boy out on him even more, but this blog isn’t about that.
2. Random encounters – I say encounters, when I’m really only gonna talk about one specific random encounter. I’m not going to name the person, though she may be reading this, and it’ll be pretty obvious to her if she does. One of those days after everything seemed absolutely shite, I was pretty much just zombie-ing around a shop, I can’t even remember why I was there, I just remember looking exhausted, teary-eyed and a wee bit of a mess in general. Then there she was, a person who I wasn’t exactly super-friendly with, I just remember hoping that she didn’t notice me, (the whole avoiding people) until she waved, so I gave a weak little smile, with a slight wave, and my heart sank a little as she walked over. I remember thinking ‘Shit, now i’ve gotta keep up appearances’…which clearly was the worst day to do so. Long story short, she was SUPER nice to me, she gave me the biggest hug after hearing I wasn’t doing so good, and I was too close to breaking down into tears there in her arms. It simply meant A LOT, and still does. It was one of the smallest gestures that meant the freakin’ world at the time. So yeah, Deb, I get that we don’t talk too much now, and I haven’t exactly been the best friend to you, but I just wanna say thank you, seriously, it means way more than you can imagine. (PS – I should really mention a couple of people from Uni who did get in contact with me, really just to check up on me, and they are both awesome people for it, and their actions also meant a lot, they may know who they are.)
3. A couple of Frank Turner songs – No, seriously. ‘Recovery, The way I tend to be, and: If ever I stray’ AMAZING songs, made me feel way better, so I love your songs, and love yo’ face.
This isn’t really meant to be an overly-sad blog, I’m just trying to open up more with people, and I know i’ve never really gotten into the ‘personal’ stuff, but hey, it’s a start right? I’ve gotten the whole ‘Uni-thing’ off of my chest a wee bit, and just want to say as shitty as things may get, it sounds stupid, but there are SO many little silly things there that can just cheer you up, and help you recover, I mean I only explained a couple. I’m getting better now, slowly, and little by little, but it’s working y’know? I’ve got a job finally, i’m doing my best to see/talk to some old friends I feel ignored, starting to see a counsellor again so I can talk about things, things are looking up! So to anyone out there who may be struggling, or knows anyone who is, I am here, you can feel free to message me anytime you want, or hell, look for the smallest things to make your day, or fuck it, someone’s looking sad? Just give them a smile, like i’ve been yabbering on about, the littlest things can mean the most to someone who’s feeling shite.
Enough of me going on and on, sorry it’s been a long one, kinda rambled on!
Feeling – Better, happier.
Love yo’ faces
– Andy Out
– Blog Over